What Would Happen If Keitaro Died?
by Sparkly-elf
Summary: ... ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! That's right, we're taking random, crazy, out of control PMS and lesbien action! In that order! Also cowritten by SephirothBeatrix, yayness.
1. Shinobu's eating disorder

… **Shinobu's eating disorder**

As the Author of this sordid little story, I and the co-author (sephirothbeatrix) would like to start off the pilot chapter with RAGE and VIOLENCE and BLOOD! MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, wait no… try mruguhhuahahghagahhaghahghack! Mmm, yes better.

-

Under the pale, yet flourecent moon, we follow Keitaro Urashima running haphazardly down the dark alleyway. He pushed past a bin, slipping over the decomposing banana skin that was randomly placed in his path. A cat's screech broke the night's silence, a lens from his glasses smashed to the ground and he ran, half blinded through the softly lit alleyway. He clicked his heels and fell flat on his face, turning over quickly to be bathed by the silhouette of the female samurai, the yellow-highlighter coloured moon making her hair seem to dance as she stood over him, her katana raised and ready for the finishing blow.

"No," he cried, raising his arms to his face in a pitiful self defense, "please! I didn't mean to sneeze right into your underwear; I thought it was a tissue! Please, I beg of you Motoko-sama, spare me!"

"Hah," she spat and put the tip of her sword to his chin, "a sorry excuse for your insolent perverted behaviour! This is the straw that finally broke my back, and now," She raised her sword, "I break your _neck_! MOTHERFUCKER!"

He let out a shriek so high pitched and feminine that women everywhere had to cover their ears in shame to hear such a sound escape a man's lungs. There was a spluttering sound as metal met skin with such force that blood splattered every wall of the alleyway and Motoko emerged, covered in splatters of blood, dragging the lifeless body of Keitaro behind her, making sure to smack his lifeless head off the corner of the wall as she strode out victorious.

(-)

That morning…

"Eh Motoko…?" Shinobu's sugary sweet voice chirped from the kitchen. She had a spoon covered tomato sauce stuck in her hair and her apron was an array of food items such as peas and chocolate. "Why are you covered in dirt and splatters of blood?"

"… I was cleaning the cats…"

Everyone stared.

"We have cats!" Shinobu's sunny smile widened to such an extent that her cheekbones disappeared into her eyebrows.

"Eh… ah em yeeees. Yes we do." Motoko made a mental note to buy cats later on.

Suu bounded into the kitchen in her underwear screaming "YAY DINNER!" and then disappeared out the window. Motoko made a mental note to buy valium too…

Just another typical day at Hinata House. Living with so many people did tend to get annoying as they all had their little quirks. Mutsumi tended to have rather random fits of PMS, causing her to blurt out violent remarks (and nearly killing Shinobu) but then ending her sentence with a "…" and an "Oh my." Naru had near constant PMS, resulting in near constant bursts of violence (and again nearly killing Shinobu), and sometimes she gets this face, disappearing for many hours into her room, only knowing that she's still alive by the thumping and moaning against the wall. Of course, everyone just assumed that she was killing something… yeah, that was it. Kitsune was a raging alcoholic, and also liked to hide her "things" around the house. You know… the kind of things that were illegal in every country in the world, including Greenland. Suu was beginning to make whirring noises akin to that of a car breaking down. Now and then her ears would start issuing steam, but everyone ignored it. It was Suu after all. Motoko would remind everyone in the house all too often where she would stick her sword if they pissed her off. Shinobu, as of late, seemingly everything she cooked involved chocolate of some sort, be it white, dark or plain. Or Arabic if she wanted to be REALLY fancy.

That evening Naru emerged from the basement with a confused look on her face and a large clothes peg on her nose. She turned to Motoko. "Something smells really funky down there."

Motoko's face went so white she almost became transparent. She said nothing, instead proceeding down the basement carrying a shovel and a big black body bag. Naru shrugged and walked into the living room, straight into Shinobu.

"Oh sorry, didn't see you there, ya little runt." Ah it was PMS day for Naru as always. Only then she noticed the tears running down Shinobu's insanely cute face "Wow, didn't even need to say anything and you're already crying, you big pussy."

"I'm getting worried Naru-sempai, Keitaro hasn't come home yet!" whimpered Shinobu, rubbing her eyes with her sleeve. That was cuter than kittens on acid.

"Oh that. Yeah, kinda didn't notice that. I was wondering why there were no eyes on the bush while I was taking a bath. I'm hoping for the worst to be honest." She laughed, causing Shinobu to sob with a sob that would make a baby seal turn purple.

Shinobu was propelled by the force of her depression straight into Motoko and the body bag, causing it to rip open and the decomposing body of Keitaro slumped out, reeking of blood and onions (cause that's what men smell like when they've been brutally murdered by Motoko, she smells like onions when she's angry, it's been proven by Kitsune). Shinobu's sobs died in her throat looking at the pile of rotting flesh that was Keitaro Urashima. Instead she screamed a scream that would shame the gayest leprechaun (WTF the author's insane), which also alerted the other members of Hinata House to her location. In a way she was a kind of a squealing beacon for them to all gather around, like moths to a squealing flame (and now the co-author's even crazier D). That night Shinobu squealed herself to sleep, clutching bar upon bar of chocolate, from white to Arabian chocolate.

Just another day in Hinata House, only this time with a brutal murder. And Arabic chocolate because Shinobu was feeling fancy.

_**Random Author notes:**_

Sparkly Elf: WTF SQUEALING FLAME?

SephirothBeatrix: What, I'm being creative! P

Sparkly Elf: …STFU BITCH! I shoulda never given you that hot chocolate!

SephirothBeatrix: From Bewley's? XD

Sparkly Elf: ….(twitch)

SephirothBeatrix: Oh ROIGHT, ya mean Butler's?

Sparkly Elf: HARBLHARBLRHARBL (WHUPISH).

SephirothBeatrix: OW MY CHISLED FEATURES. D

**Read and review YA BASTARDS. Before I kill my co-author by DEATH MOTOKO ONIONNESSSSSSS…..LOL.**


	2. Kitsune starts a show

****

DISCLAIMER:

We are the Hinata girls that say NI! Oh ok maybe we're not... READ THIS DAMN FIC ANYWAY EVEN THOUGH THE STUFF IN IT ISN'T OURS! 

…

(crickets)

…

Don't start Naru on her PMS rage of evil doom. Read it before she violently decapitates you.

With a giant PLASTIC spork.

…Kitsune would start a show…

The doorbell rang throughout the house, alerting the many groggy residents that someone was at the door. Of course one Kaolla Suu has never heard of the word groggy or it's existence, so she was wide awake. Making engine noises. All while singing Unclefucker loudly at the top of her voice as well as juggling the new kittens that Motoko bought. Dropping said kittens on the ground (don't worry, they know how to land on their back…I mean feet) she threw open the door to greet a bemused postman holding a relatively large package. Not his balls, there was a fucking delivery for Naru! NO I DON'T MEAN A BABY A FUCKING…good jesus there must be another word for package that doesn't have sexual hints behind it. GACK.

"Um… Naru Narusegawa?"

"Nope." Suu stuck out her tongue.

"Could you get Miss Narusegawa to sign for this package?"

"I could." Suu rocked backwards and forwards on the balls of her feet, her tongue extending the point where she could lick her eyelashes. There was a few seconds silence, the postman shifting uncomfortably and enough sexual innuendo about his and Naru's package to kill a small horse.

"Er…"

"Would you like me to call Naru?" She smiled deviously.

"Please." he sighed with relief.

Suu turned and took a sharp intake of breath, forcing her to stand on her toes.

"NNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRUUUUUUUUUU!" She screeched, making all the windows in the house shake with reverb. The postman squealed and jumped, dropping his package (Fucking hell!) to the ground. Suu simply smiled happily as the groggiest member of Hinata House stormed down the stairs, already in a horrible mood. She was having such a wonderful dream, about her retreating to the West of Ireland to live alone in a small cave, with her trusty companion Dog, the cow. Then it was disrupted in the worst possible way, the cow started singing Unclefucker with Suu's voice, bringing Naru sharply back to reality. Just thinking about it made her more homicidal than usual, wanting nothing else than to wrap her hands around Suu's neck and strangling that child to DEATH!

She snatched the package (GODDAMMIT) off the ground, throwing an already signed piece of paper at the still squealing man's heels (she carried her own autograph for anyone who wanted it now and then, today was such luck) and shut the door on his terrified face. Darting out a hand she grabbed Suu by the neck, just stopping her from bouncing off the left wall and threw her into the basement, locking the door. PMS gets worse in the morning you know.

"Whuzzat Naru?" Motoko sleepily strode down from the stairs, rubbing her eyes. Kitsune was behind her but quickly turned the other way with a wicked smile once she laid her eyes on the package.

"Well obviously I don't know if I hadn't opened it yet!" She snarled.

"Be careful how you retort, Naru-san. My katana can be put up even the tightest of places, you know."

Naru simply rolled her eyes and ripped the brown tape away from the package, crunching it up into a ball and throwing it at Motoko who dodged. It struck Shinobu, who seemed not to notice even though it stuck the side of her head like a massive crunchy mole.

Kitsune's giggles could be heard in the hallway, along with some rustling and what sounded like a video tape rewinding.

"What the…" Motoko stared wide eyed at the bundle Naru had removed from it's Styrofoam packaging. She held up what looked vaguely like nipple cups held together with chains attached to a pleather thong. Naru threw it disgustedly to the floor, reaching once more into the package, pulling out a whip, some vanilla scented candles and the latest issue of FHM with a naked woman wearing nipple cups and pleather thong on the cover. Motoko bent down to pick up the thong and chains, holding it in front of her as Naru held the whip and candles.

"Umm…" Naru ummed.

WHUPISH!

Motoko jumped as the microphone fell to the floor after smushing Naru's nose, leaving her with a red microphone shape across her face. Kitsune appeared in front of her, picking up the microphone with her black laced hand, her black lace bra falling off her shoulders slightly in an all too revealing nature. She stood in front of the staircase in her lacy thong and hold-ups, winking at the camera she had sellotaped to the banisters (in three seconds!).

She put the microphone to her lips, parting them seductively while pointing an accusing finger at Naru.

"YOU JUST GOT FUCKBUSTED!" She howled and threw the microphone at Motoko, hitting her across the forehead with a sickening WHUPISH, leaving her with a red microphone-shaped mark over her slim eyebrows.

They both looked at each other, clutching their new wounds and swearing under their breath. Motoko vowed that the next time she saw Kitsune she would jam her legs up Kitsune's ass, rip out her sphincter like a hair scrunchy and dance around on her devastated ass meats. Naru threw the whip and FHM no# 73 to the floor in a violent rage. The whip cracked at their heels as it hit the floor, Motoko backed away slightly. She knew all too well that Naru was like Godzilla with a rocket stuck up it's anus when she was having a PMS hissy fit.

"WHAT THE FUCK I WILL FUICKING KILL THAT STUPID FUCKING POXY ARSE I WILL DESTROY HATE GRRRR KITSUNE FHM WHIP WILL KILL AAARGH hack ahaaaa haaaaaaaa!"

Naru had finally gotten to the point when she would have an epileptic fit of rage and dropped to the floor, her body writhing in her tight night gown. Motoko kneeled beside her, trying to protect her head from hitting the floor, but Naru's temper had gotten the better of her and she shook violently. Motoko held Naru's wrists together above her head and swung a leg over her jerking hips to smother them with her own hips.

She gulped slightly, Naru's breasts pushing up against her own again and again. Her hips continued to jerk against Motoko, awaking a feeling of mixed fear and moistness that she had never felt before.

Forget it… she's violently ill here, Motoko….

She tried hard to surpress her breathing when Naru had gotten to the point where Motoko was bouncing ontop of her. Her body had finally calmed down, much to Motoko's dismay , and she opened her eyes, breathing raggedly.

Naru sniffed the air around her. "Mmm, Motoko, I heard you smell like onions when you get angry but it smells more like blossoms to me. And jasmine perfume. (sniff) Mmm."

Naru pushed her head up to Motoko's neck, who froze in shock, and sniffed. Motoko blushed furiously when she felt her hot breath on her neck and pushed down on her hips to the floor.

"What do you think you're doing!" She spat.

Just then, Mutsumi strode out casually from behind the statue of the Buddha in the hall and stared at them. Her large black eyes darted from the pleather thong and the FHM no#73 to the entanglement of bodies in front of her. She smiled, obviously out of confusion.

"Oh my." She sighed and walked dreamily into the living room, tripping over the carpet slightly but regaining her posture only to smack her head off the door frame. She didn't seem to notice those types of things, also the fact that she was stark naked.

The other inhabitants of Hinata House stared at her, jaws ajar, Kitsune drooling, who had seemed to have changed back into a nightgown in 2 seconds flat. Naru was horrified, Motoko was strangely quiet, Suu was humming Blame Canada (unaffected whatsoever), Shinobu… was making chocolate pancakes. The content of these pancakes was nothing but pure chocolate, defying the laws of cooking. Yes you heard me. LAWS MOTHERFUCKER!

"Oh my, I seem to have forgotten to get dressed." chirped Mutsumi happily, not realising that there were laws against indecent exposure. Oh well, there'll be more of that from her later. Well… Kitsune would see it at least.

(authors make shifty eyes)

(then run away)

(SephirothBeatrix comes back to steal a pancake)  
**  
A/N:** Mmm… pure chocolate pancakes. And I have a pet cow called Dog you know. Well… actually it's a cat called Croc.  
Anyways, leave LOTS more reviews. Or we'll send Naru after you. Complete with rocket stuffed up ass. (batteries not included)


End file.
